It kinda feels like I imagine Alice would of felt like. Falling, falling, falling, not knowing when It will stop or where it will stop.Children they say should be seen and not heard. I really wish this had been the case.Children can be so, so cruel. Nasty spiteful,unkind, thoughtless specimens!
Words. throw away words.Sharp,cutting.Embedded in my brain forever. Comments, glances, laughing, mocking. Killing me slowly inside.Penetrating, burning, scolding. Belittling me and my very existence. Constantly being knocked down by some never ending hit and run driver, leaving you to bleed out on the pavement.
Scarred emotionally. Zapping every ounce of the little confidence I had left. Twelve years on this planet, not learning anything. Wanting to learn everything. Mocked in front of my peers, mocked for wanting to learn, not given the chance. Wanting to achieve, wanting to be liked, wanting to be socially excepted.Just wanting to be accepted.
My head feels like a ravens. repeatedly pecking. PECK, PECK, PECK. Self esteem shot down into flames.Flames scattered all over my childhood. Like some kind of sick joke!
Good enough? Your not good enough! You can do better! CONCENTRATE!
Can't answer them back, won't answer them back. Afraid, afraid of the consequences. Afraid, useless, silly, stupid, inadequate.
Heartless words. Nagging, niggling, never leaving me alone.Tearing away at me with every VERB, NOUN, SYLLABLE! Struggling to find myself, the true version of myself. WHY? WHY? Why do I listen to them?WHY? Makes them feel important, popular, funny, messiah's..........
Why do I let them all take away my true self??
Childhood merges into adulthood. Too fast, gone in a flash.Time for me to face adulthood, but at what cost? You need to go out there and do something with your life! You need to do something!
Thought adulthood would be different, thought people would be nicer to me. How wrong I was! Still feel like Alice, still falling, falling down that rabbit hole that is my life!
Years passed. I persevered....... My confidence slowly filtered back, like tiny fragments. Some fragments shattered, lost forever.
New beginnings. Opportunities. Life experiences. Good choices made. Bad choices made. Good decisions. Bad decisions. Situations come and go, people come and go, never staying very long.
Fake friends appear then disappear. Leading me into a false sense of security. Nasty, cruel, manipulative so called friends. Didn't stand up for myself, always sat back and took whatever they wanted to dish out at me. Chipping away at my very soul, my very being.
Then It finally happened.....I started to stand up for myself, and boy was I good at it! My eyes were fully opened, opened for the first time in forever. Open so wide I could see a future for me. A confident future.A confident me! Feels so good, I feel refreshed and alive for the first time in a long long time. Liberating. Powerful. I'm back! This is the true version of me. Nobody is ever going to take my true self away from me ever again. People have tried and failed over the years.
THIS TIME I'M STAYING........LIKE IT OR NOT?........
ALISON PICKLES.
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